Why I Write

Writing is freeing, writing is wonderful, and writing is….tricky. Well it is for me at least. I absolutely LOVE writing it’s one of my favorite things to do and I like to think I’m good at it. I can put off writing a 5 page essay for weeks, then the hour before it’s due the words will just fly from my fingertips. I’ve done this all through high school and college and never gotten a grade lower than a B on any of my papers, the only reason I’ve gotten that low is because I’m horrible at grammar. Writing is just so easy and natural for me, but I also find it….well tricky.

Writing is freeing, you see I’m awful at having serious conversations with people; it is easily my biggest flaw. This is mainly because I HATE talking about feelings. For some reason I have this thought that if I tell people what I’m thinking or feeling they will think I’m crazy or stupid and make fun of me. I know the probability of them actually doing that is extremely slim, but that one little thought becomes a ticking mind bomb. When I have to have a serious conversation with someone I start freaking out, I stumble all over my words, I have a million thoughts running through my head, and then I completely blank on what I want to say. I’ve tried to get over this stupid flaw by forcing myself to have serious conversations with people, but this tiny little mind bomb always ends up exploding. I’ve only been able to have a serious conversation with two people in my life without tearing up or walking out during the conversation. One of them is my older brother, the other my best friend since 8^th grade. I HATE talking about my feelings, telling people my deepest thoughts and feelings makes me feel weak and powerless. It makes me feel like that person will somehow use the information I’m giving them against me. I know most of the people in my life would never do that, but that thought is still there. To me that is the worst thought and feeling in the world. So I avoid serious conversations like the plague. When someone asks me a personal question that I know is going to lead to a serious conversation I freeze; I get super quite, I will tap either my fingers or foot, and I wait for them to change the subject or I give them a short answer, avoid eye contact and walk away. Over the years I’ve gotten better at forcing myself to have more and more serious conversations with people, but it still freaks me out every time, so instead I write. I write down all my thoughts and feelings, I write exactly what I want to say and it always flows the way I want it to, without any interruptions. By writing down all my thoughts and feelings I can keep myself from bottling everything up, but at the same time I can avoid talking about it. Writing is freeing.

Writing is wonderful, it allows me to vent in a way. Since I’m no good at serious conversations, I write down all my thoughts and feelings instead. I know it’s a bit ridiculous, but it’s a way around my stupid little fear. Writing is my escape from reality. When I write the words just flow, I can write about anything I want; my inspiration, my dreams, my feelings, my day, a story, anything. I write almost every day, I can just sit down in front of a blank page not even knowing what I want to write about and after about five minutes ideas just start flowing and words fill up page after page. The blank page won’t judge me for what I tell it, it won’t laugh at me, or think of me any differently. It just lets me fill it up with all my deepest thoughts. After I’m done writing I always feel a huge sense of accomplishment, almost like a huge weight has been lifted from my shoulders. I may not have been able to have a serious conversation, but I was able to tell that blank page everything that was on my mind and I was able to do it without any interruptions, judgmental looks, and a mind bomb exploding. When I write I can choose to be as vague or as descriptive as I want. Usually when I’m in a bad mood my writing is short and abrupt, but when I’m in a good mood my writing is long and elaborate. I can paint a picture of my thoughts so you’ll feel like you were there, like you lived it. I can’t do that in a serious conversation so yes, writing is wonderful.

Writing is….tricky. I usually do my best writing when I can’t sleep, I wrote my first blog post around 2 in the morning while fighting to keep my eyelids open, it only took me about an hour and a half. Right now it’s 11:00 at night and I’m having a hard time ending this post. Ridiculous! When I write during the day I feel like the words never flow as well, almost like I think too much when I’m writing instead of just writing. Also, if I walk away from my writing for longer than a couple minutes, I have to start completely over. I’m not sure why, but it’s suddenly not what I want to say anymore. If you were to go through my computer you would find tons and tons of half written documents. It’s a problem. Writing is tricky. On top of that writing for a blog is scary. Since I mainly write about my personal thoughts, feelings and experiences it’s extremely scary to share my writing, and I will never share my writing before it is finished. Since I never finished a lot of my writing, I never show it to anyone. This blog is the first time I’ve attempted to finish my writing and the first time I’ve shared my personal writing with the public, so if there are long periods of time in between posts I apologize. All I can say is writing is tricky.

A few quotes I love about writing… 

Writing is the best way to talk without being interrupted.
Jules Renard

For me, writing is exploration; and most of the time, I'm surprised where the journey takes me.
Jack Dann 

Write something to suit yourself and many people will like it; write something to suit everybody and scarcely anyone will care for it.
Jesse Stuar